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Redux: A Guide to Fine Whines

From time to time, and as a thin guise to cover up the days between new posts, I’m going to reprint some older posts that I liked. I’ll try not to do this too often, but it may help entice the muse back more often. Originally posted April, 2004, I hope you enjoy this one on “fine whines.”

Selecting the best whine for any occasion requires knowledge and experience cultivated only by living a life of excess. Determining the proper whine vintage ideal for the moment at hand is no simple matter. Disaster awaits the novice whine aficionado who impatiently blurts out a poor choice. Many a relationship has been ruined from a careless, indelicate whine selection.

In years past, picking the best whine was a simpler matter: learn the proper combinations of whine and situation and you were home free. But today? No, dear friend, today’s social interactions demand a more delicate touch, a more artistic flair for blending the nuances of mature whines with each situation’s delicateness. Is there a guidebook, you ask? Tsk, tsk…if it were only that simple.

Determining the proper whine requires that you first discover its sincerity. Deceitful whines have no place in today’s fast-paced, demanding world. Better to keep insolent whines hidden in dark places until they develop that patina of wisdom and honesty earned only through age. You’ll then be able to pick those whines later with full confidence. But with any whine, sincerity is not the only consideration. You must also examine its impertinence, and the sassier and perkier the better. No one appreciates a flat whine, one that lacks an edge. To be considered hip, your whine choice must reflect the real you, and say to the world, “hey, look at me and my whine!” Yes, dear friends, with that kind of confidence you’ll soon be the talk of the town.

So let’s say you take a date to the best restaurant hoping for an evening of epicurean wonders. Maneuvering around that greedy maitre ‘d, you manage to find a decent table and sit. Soon the moment of decision is at hand: time to order. The waiter’s waiting, your date’s expecting you to be the bon vivant you are, and in fact, nearby tables mysteriously hush so they can hear your whine selection, sensing you’re a man with gourmet tastes. As you scan the menu stifling a choke at the outrageous prices (and simultaneously wondering whether your date is worth it), you start to consider whether a traditional, cheap whine will work or if you’ll need your best whine to keep your date all the way to breakfast. Your choice, pal, but just remember: the whine you pick today is the whine you’ll be known by tomorrow.

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